One of my symptoms with my depression is insomnia and where the depression is at it’s worst so is the insomnia. It gets to the point where I dread night time coming. If I could just sleep, then great but sadly not.
With the depression, I get a lot of fatigue. I can feel ready for bed quite early but that’s a trick. It does not matter if I go to bed at 8pm or 2am, I will still find myself not being able to sleep. The lack of sleep is one thing but the tiredness and frustration play a game on the mind.
The longer you lay there, wanting to sleep, the more fuel the depression has to play havoc on your mind and body. Although I can suffer with the depression throughout the day, it is amplified at night. Have you ever noticed how sometimes you can lie in bed worrying and more so at night? If so, this is what it is like but with deeper thoughts and emotional agony.
When I have battled suicidal thoughts, they have been in the evenings apart from on once occasion. I find myself getting angry punching the bed or myself. Scenarios from my past build up in the mind, no matter how much you have left them behind and moved on. The anxiety also jumps in and plays on one slight uncomfortable situation you might of faced during that day. It could be a misunderstanding, a work issue, or a future event that you are unsure off.
What is even worse is that fact it is on loop. The thought process keeps repeating and I swear Apple got the idea of the Ipod shuffle mode from obsessional thinking. I can either have one issue on loop or the depression changes the switch to shuffle and a whole host of troubles make sure the insomnia is fulfilled.
Here is a link to a poem I wrote back in January: A sleepless battle