As you may be aware, right now I am going through one of my biggest battles in over 5 years and sadly this time, it is a big fight. I have eluded to my suicidal thoughts, anxiety and even looked at some triggers. In this article I want to try and explain the lonely side and irrational side of depression.As common sense may tell you, depression acts upon the mindset. It takes hold a big grip of your thought process. To keep the grip tight, it feeds of your insecurities, including ones that you may not even realise you had.
It is not always 24/7 that the black fog remains tightened on your thoughts. It can come and go. Sunday I had a good day, enjoyed a friends celebration and excited to be arranging a fundraiser for this coming December (I can’t reveal what it is yet).
Monday, arrived and although I woke up feeling good and positive, the day was soon to become darkened. I was getting more and more tired and weighed down. By 6pm, I was in bed albeit not being able to sleep. The depression had arrived and it was causing a massive meltdown.
I had to cancel plans for the evening as I knew I simply could not fulfill the commitment. I knew I would fail in being good company. As the evening wore on, I just could not think for myself even though it feels as you are. Depression had really taken over my thoughts. I had become suicidal again.
I really am trying not to feel shame or embarrassment. I know deep down it can’t be helped but I also know, when the rational thoughts fight back, that I can fight it and that I can find away or beating this again. I know I cannot go on anymore like this.
I don’t want to die but I also do not want to feel like this. Thankfully today is a new day and I am still here to write this and I am still here to seek further help. In any war, there is always more than one battle to be won. I won lasts nights although I fear there might be a casualty.
The lonely side comes in when you simply do not know where to turn, who to talk too. You believe that no one will understand and some people won’t. That said, even if I have the strength to be rational enough and talk to someone, what do I say? “Hi, Stephen here, I am nut job.”
As part of the irrational thoughts, last night I convinced myself a friend didn’t want to be my friend. I’m not naming names but the depression took over so much, I lost trust in everything. My friend, myself and life. I hope they can forgive me and understand that it was not me. I am truly sorry.
I eluded on today being a new day. I cannot guarantee that I will be myself but today I am better and today I have enough rational thought and mental strength to pot the next invasion of this cruel and sickening illness. I am waiting on my GP to call, I am asking for a referral to seek further help This is not sectioning but hopefully mental health support.
Please bare with me as I battle on. Please do not be offended if I behave in a way that is not me, if I cancel events or I even go quiet and lock myself up. I am finding the best way to move forward in life and get on top of this.
If you wish to help me, please pray and just let me know that you are still there.