It has been a while since I last put an update on here. I know many have been concerned in the past and the support that I have received from you all has simply been amazing. I know many of you have kept me in your thoughts and the regular contact, appreciated. For anyone new to my blog, I have shared my battle with depression and anxiety. Thankfully this update ends on a happy note.
There is no doubt 2017 has been a challenging year. We can all go through our ups and downs, but hey, it is the 3rd November and i’m nearly through it, with exciting times ahead. The truth is, from October last year, I was struggling. It started by being taken back to when I was sexually assaulted as a boy, the actions of another was a big enough trigger to start the downfall. This led, to a breakdown, to having to seek help and battle thoughts of death.
If there is one thing I have learnt about both depression and anxiety, is that there are many causes that build up over the years. sometimes you do not always realize what they are but they remain stored away in your mind. A dear friend, Kath, has lean’t me a wonderful book called the chimp paradox, written by Dr. Steve Peters. It teaches you how to identify that chimp, the one that controls all irrational thoughts. It is worth a read. I was borrowed the book to help beat the negative thoughts while running, wanting to quit a race when I don’t need too but it is also great for day to day living.
On top of battling this illness, and it really has been one of my strongest fights ever, 2017 got worse. In July, I lost my business of 13 years. Frustratingly, through no fault of my own. Many factors out of my control such as Terrorism, migrant crisis, School fines to name a few, have had a knock on effect to the travel industry. Although tragic, It has also become a blessing. The business had become a stress that was feeding the illness. I immediately felt some freedom, the day it shut.
I now found myself in a completely new situation. I am 35 years old and have never been unemployed! If, like me you have gone through the whole degrading experience of the job center, then you deserve a knighthood or dame-hood.
38 job applications and 5 interviews later, I have a job with Tesco’s. It may not sound glamorous, especially after running my own business for so long but I am happy. It is part time and it fits around my new life!
To the happy ending. As much as the majority of 2017 has been hell and I really feel at times I have walked the paths of hell, it has also been a time of rebuilding.
I have gone through many emotions such as worthlessness, self-hatred, numbness, wanting to die to feeling weak both physically and as a person. How untrue is the latter? In reflecting with a more focused mind, I now know, I am not weak but bloody strong!
I have had to dig deep, time and time again. I am currently now on another personal issue but each time, I have found the depth of courage and strength to move myself forward. I have stood and faced my demons and stuck my tongue out at them, maybe a couple of fingers went up too. oh what the eck, I said “Fuck you and told the bastards to piss off” (think i’m allowed to swear a little after what I have gone through 😉 ).
I have gone from someone with little self esteem to a person who can run a half-marathon, literally! This time next year, I will be a qualified electrician mate and will follow this up by becoming a qualified electrician, the following year.
Life is a journey. It can be crap but it also has the amazing ability to produce greatness. I am definitely in the best place I have been for a long time. 2017 has still brought many new positives and experiences. I have become a runner, made some wonderful friends through it, become a mature student (hehe teacher has a funny name..ahem), new job and a new me.
I am still the same old caring and generous guy. I am still there for people, still having my friends backs. Just a stronger guy with his pride back.
Thank you all, for your support. I am still writing my book to speak up and share my story. It’s not easy but will hopefully, one day help someone else going through, what I have gone through.
ps, apologies if the swearing offends 🙂