I have mentioned but not gone into detail within some of my articles, that when I was a child, I was sexually assaulted. I have also wrote the poem ‘What did you think‘ which was addressed to my attacker. I’m not going to go into the full details of the abuse, all I will say is it was extreme and with any attack of its kind, life changing!
I guess, I am lucky in the sense that the sexual violation was a one off albeit 2 years of violent bullying had led to the attack. As with any form of abuse, it was damaging and I even have the mental scars today, 21 years later.
21 one years later is exactly why there should be only one sentence for such vile, disgusting, depraved pieces of scum. The sentence should be life in prison for any sexual abuse, regardless of the level. The victim and survivor of the attack has to live with the damage for the rest of their lives. No matter how much support, counselling you get or how much you try to move on, there are still the nightmares, anniversary’s and flashbacks of the attack. You can spend a long time without even thinking about the incident/s and then the slightest thing can bring it all back.
Only last year I was on the receiving end of sexually explicit verbal abuse. It was enough to jog my memory and cause nightmares of the original attack. Rape could be on a TV drama or the news filled of celebrities and MP’s who have misbehaved, it can all bring to the front of the mind, the violating abuse that you have gone through.
In my case, it was boy on boy (14 years of age). It was treated by the Police as just two boys fighting and I did not get my day in court, nor did my attacker end up in prison, despite the injuries and evidence I had. Back in those days, it was still not accepted that a male can be abused unless my attacker was an adult. The headmistress even lied to the police to protect her schools reputation, suggesting that I was Gay and had led my attacker on. My sexuality is something I have always been confident with, and that is I am not gay or bi-sexual, simply, heterosexual.
There are two purposes of myself writing this article, one is to share a poem that I wrote some time ago and this is a major factor towards the cause of my social anxiety and depression. The book I am currently writing ‘The darkened Path’ will mention this attack so I guess, now is as good a time as ever to open up a bit more about it.
I would love to be posting a petition calling for tougher laws and sentences against scum (really trying not to swear), especially for longer sentences. Unfortunately, although I could get 100,000 votes, the current government like nothing more but to talk out proposals and realistically, there is a shortage of funding and prison places. We, just have to carry on carrying the weight of what has happened.
To fear for your life, to be put in agony as you are pinned down, no room to move or breathe and not knowing when it is going to stop. I can’t put that feeling into words. Some scenarios you want to write about, you simply cannot. They are almost like photographing Bluebells, no camera can pick up the true detail and colour of the plant or in my case, the true feelings of what I felt. It has been a hell of an emotional roller-coaster.
Very often, when someone goes through a trauma like this, one side effect is to generalize. Shamefully, for a long time but thankfully not now, I was left homophobic. I would not discriminate, I would never be cruel to anyone but I could not cope with seeing any form of male on male interaction, whether on TV or in life. Using a Urinal, easy enough hey? Not when some men want to flaunt it, especially in the changing rooms of health clubs. I have always been a respectful and a private person and although the rational part of your mind know’s that something like this won’t happen again or hopefully not, you cannot help sometimes have that initial fear come to your mind of what has happened in the past.
No one who has gone through something like this also does not like living in the past. It might come across sometimes that I do but when the past comes to the front of the mind, it is not by choice.
The anguish from the violation
lasts beyond the incident,
months after and year’s later.
The physical scars may heal
and go away but the mental
agony lasts a lifetime.
The actions might only
be a one off or more
than once but the dark
memories, flashbacks and
nightmares last forever.
Time might go on and the
thoughts of the despair that
has been caused may separate
in time but a single small trigger
can bring it all back.
As victims or survivors we are
left with a life sentence of the
trauma that was caused by a
vile, low life piece of scum.
Help is out there:
If you are a male victim of a sexual assault or rape then of course, speak to the police but if you require further help, then there is now a wonderful charity that you can contact called ‘SurvivorsUK’ You can access their website here.
For gender neutral, contact Rape Crisis England by visiting their website here. The also help victims who have been sexually assaulted too.