The feeling of being a fraud

I’m sat in the doctors surgery. I am wearing running tights, a T-shirt and running shoes. I am geared up, ready to attend an efforts session to help build my up stamina and boost those endorphins. There is no cough, no sneezing, no arm falling off. I am sat there, looking fit and well. Everyone else around me is looking ready for their coffin. You can even sense the stares and judgement of why i’m wasting the doctors time.

The fact is, I am still ill and just because there are no visual signs, I need to be there. I am going round and round a viscous cycle of trying tablets only for them not to work as I need them too and after spending 2017 barely eating, I am regularly having my bloods checked with iron, B12 and hemoglobin levels being low.

The feeling of being a fraud comes from not having anything physical to display. My illness is mental health, it is depression! The daft thing is, I would not feel a fraud if I went with a broken arm or something visually wrong with me.

I know I have been up and down so much the last few months. Stress with lack of full time work and hours, helping my parents sell their property and an uncertain future all trigger the depression. I know there is a happy side to my future with the love of a gorgeous fiancee, yet when I laid in bed next to her on a recent Sunday night the depression was so bad, I felt nothing!

This does not mean that there is no love, I worship the ground she walks on but when the depression grips so bad, you shut down to the surroundings around you. Thankfully I was eventually able to sleep this off. Although anxiety filled me the next morning, had she noticed, was I cold to her? I am fortunate that she is understanding and so loving.

The fact is, no-one who goes to the doctor is a fraud! Depression is a liar! There is no shame in seeking the help and requiring the tablets. For me, I need to be well, especially in time for the wedding. I have so much joy in life to embrace and I can not allow this darn bloody illness ruin it!

Through speaking to friends and other people who also battle with depression, I know I am not alone in feeling a fraud and nor are they. If you are reading this and also suffer with depression or another mental illness, remember you are not a fraud for seeking help, getting help is the best thing you can do! There are still stigma’s but don’t allow them to hold your recovery back.

 

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