If you have read my recent posts, you will know that I have been suffering with one of my worst bouts of depression in recent years. You will know that I also write these articles to help raise awareness, explain what is going on and to even help myself get a better understanding of the emotions I am going through. In this article, I will give a further update on the depth of the struggles I am facing.
I am going to start straight to the point. I have had suicidal thoughts and last week I came close. You will see by the erratic writing on a post I made 6 days earlier to this, called ‘tonight I broke‘ that in brief my mental state was and is not clear. It was that night that I worked out in less than 10 seconds I would hit the ground at the bottom of a bridge. That night I wanted to die and simply could not keep going anymore.
What stopped me was the pain left behind. I might know longer be suffering but those left behind would. I couldn’t do this to my parents! With so much anguish, deep emotional pain, I could not find the desire to keep going but somehow, there was the slightest scrapping of strength in the corner of the barrel to bring just enough mental clarity to stop myself from committing suicide.
Writing this alone is exhausting, accepting what is going on is draining and trying to lead a life as normal as possible even more so.
I was so distressed and in shock by thoughts like this and there were others, coming to my mind, I even considered sectioning. I managed to avoid this and it might of not been ideal but I came close to going to hospital.
The rest of the night was made up of a different array of behaviours from crying, to staring into darkness to hitting myself to many different thought’s of failure, being a burden, worthlessness and more.
This has been the worst that I have been since I was first diagnosed as having depression 6 years ago. What I think made me get this bad was the reaction I had been having with medication. I had been trying to used to new antidepressants but they made me extremely poorly resulting in having to stop taking them. This of course made myself crash even further mentally.
There is a lot more I can go into but for now I will stop there. This isn’t fiction and has actually taken me two days to write this. Even today, I am suffering, not as bad but very tired mentally and thankfully not suicidal.